when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
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