Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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