I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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