he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
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Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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