My liver just broke up with me...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
