i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
