Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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