I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
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