After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
