Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So drunk its hurt
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
