They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
