You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
