cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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