From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
