the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
