I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
