I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.