What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people