Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
