Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
