I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
