so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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