I looked at my own cervix.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
