She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
