I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
