in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
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No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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