I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
