I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
