Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
