I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
