I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
