That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it's like iHOP with fire
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
