I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
