you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
