listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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