He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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