It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
