I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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