If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How naked do you want me to be?
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