he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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