Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's rum buckets o'clock
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
