obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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