Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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