I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
