Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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