I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
