Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
