I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
