id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
