you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
