I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
