If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
