how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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