my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
