I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
