matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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