I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
